sábado, 22 de marzo de 2008

De cómo Perón inventó la Pascua

Eaeaea!

Pascua, salames! Y lo digo en otro idioma: Salaam, pascuales!

En esta época de pascuas quisiera tomar un tiempo para reflexionar sobre el verdadero sentido de esta celebración.

Omitiré ya las harto sabidas historias de connotación religiosa, tanto la que se cuenta en el círculo de las chotas mutiladas como la otra que dice lo de la crú. En cambio, iré al grano, haciendo referencia a lo que vale la pena: los huevos.

Los huevos de pascua los inventó Perón, en su segunda reencarnación, allá en 1643.

En esa época, la gente ya solía pintar huevos de salamandra en días arbitrarios, y poner a los pibes a buscarlos, logrando así que los pibes no rompieran las pelotas durante todo el día. A veces, los niños no tenían ganas de jugar, y sólo iban con un palo pegandole a todo arbusto, quebrando así las cascarolas y derramando el embrión salamándrico, por lo que daban por finalizada prontamente la cacería y volvían a la casa a molestar a sus padres, tutores, o encargados. De esta época proviene la expresión "romper los huevos" como sinónimo de "romper las pelotas".

Fué Perón quien declaró: "Los únicos privilegiados son los niños, por eso queda prohibida la reproducción, total o parcial, de esta cosa de ir y mandarlos a buscar huevos. La única excepción será un dia al año; en ese dia los niños tendrán prohibida la rotura intencionalk de todo elemento oval, y tendrán que buscar sí o sí hasta encontrarlos todos."

Perón entonces contrató a Fyódor Farlestini, un conocido ingeniero mecánico de la época, y le encargó el trabajo de diseñar un aparato económico, fácil de usar y de fácil distribución, que fabricara huevos decorados y librara así al pueblo de la tarea pesada de andar pintando huevos a troche y moche.

Sin demoras, Farlestini se encerró en su tallercito sin otra compañía que su tortugo Alan Pauls, y se puso a pensar. Probó, probó y probó, y nada salía: o los diseños eran inviables (por ejemplo, el primer prototipo trataba de pintar un huevo con un clavo y, en consecuencia, lo rompía), o eran costosos (uno de los prototipos consistía en una caja donde se ocultaría un enano con témperas de colores, pero el sindicato de enanos fijaba salarios realmente altos), o no podían ser fácilmente distribuídos (otro diseño necesitaba un reactor nuclear para hacer dos cuadras).

Descartó las salamandras, los patos y las iguanas, todos porque sus huevos eran de difícil producción masiva. Descartó también al rinoceronte, a racing y al yaguareté, pues ninguno pone huevos.

Agobiado por el fracaso, decidió renunciar, pero cuando trató de salir de su taller descubrió que le habían afanado el picaporte. Consternado, empezó a quejarse "Cómo puede ser! Como! Como como como, có, cocó cococó!" y le vino la idea. Levantó el tubo de su peronphone satelital, y del otro lado respondió el general.

-"General, la gallina pone huevos?"
-"Todavía no, pero si quiere hago que sí, compañero"
-"Dealé, por favor"

Y el general agitó su mano imaginaria, y por arte de magia todas las gallinas fueron ovíparas por naturaleza. Entonces, Fyódor Farlestini pudo completar su máquina decorahuevos, que tenía forma de gallinácea en posición de cagar, con una amplia ranura en el pecho para poner monedas. Se inserta un huevo en la boca, se pone una moneda, y sale el huevo pintado por el ojete del curioso aparato.

El General Perón repartió este aparato en el Plan Quinquenal de 1643, el primero de la era de nuestro señor. Y fue así que en nombre de Perón todos los niños tuvieron un día de algarabía y los padres de tranquilitud, y todos fueron felices y comieron huevos.

Hoy en día, la única "Máquina cacareadora de procesamiento de huevos, con ranura en el escote" en existencia se conserva en el ala principal del Museo de las Reencarnaciones de Perón, en Playa Franca. Miles de turistas visitan cada año este maravilloso aparato con el que Perón inventó la Pascua y trajo felicidad al mundo.


Máquina cacareadora de procesamiento de huevos con ranura en el escote, en el museo de Playa Franca


Felices pascuas, la casa es un quilombo pero se disfruta, che.

Atte;

Socho

50 comentarios:

LORD MARIANUS dijo...

Justo ayer, haciendo la sobremesa, mis padres me contaban una cierta creencia campestres según la cual, las gallináceas y demás ovíparos no ponen huevos para estas fechas. Sin embargo, ayer salí al patio y descubro que nuestra Thalía puso un lindo huevito blanco. Asi que mire, me cago en esas creencias.

Por cierto, me han contado qeu ciertos imprudentes no solo han metido una moneda en el escote sino que también la mano, y que luego del huevo, siguieron un par de almóndigas. ¿Qué hay de cierto en eso?

UAP compañero.

Uno de los ocho dijo...

Se dicen muchas cosas, compañero. Imprudentes hay en todos lados, pero yo no he escuchado lo de las almóndigas. Si le digo le miento, compañero.

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Desde el Virreino de la Soretitud Emperonada le digo: esta foto es más grosa que los dos virolitos del museo.
Es más, aún recuerdo la cacareación que provocó aquella foto.

Amperio dijo...

Es realmente sorprendente, compañero. La máquina cacareadora simboliza, ciertamente, la alegría peronista. Pero, también, está como agazapada, como preparada para reaccionar si es que la oligarquía ofende o amenaza al pueblo peronista.
Yo ví funcionar una réplica de esa máquina en Buenosaires, más precisamente en barcito del Parquecentenario y cacareaba en sibemol, en domayor, en lasostenido y hasta en alfacentauro.
Lo bueno que tiene es que es autosustentable. Ud. le dá unos sambuchitos, unas longanizas, un pororó, lo mezcla con alguna boludez al paso tipo "mirá ese árbol" y se produce la cacareación espontánea.
La máquina cacareadora peronista de escote ranurado queda bien en toda fiesta de guardar. Pero, compañero, no es adecuada para un velorio o para ir a ver un accidente automovilístico, por ejemplo.

Lo quiero, Hermanokakuy, con todas las fuerzas de mi pobre corazón.


UAP, Chamigo.

Uno de los ocho dijo...

Lady Bater: La foto aquella! cierto cierto; mi mente ya la había borrado para prevenir un coma cataléptico inesperado. Esa foto indujo al cacareo, recuerdo.

También recuerdo de allá un pato nadando en acrílico, un pecarí al que no le pasaban el plumero, y un grupo alegre de drevianes que recorrían el recinto foteando todo.

Ah, y a la forma de vida olguiforme también. UAP, compañera, saludos al polar.

Ampérido: El cacareo y el huevo pintado son bases del jolgorio peronista.

El cacareo representa el recibir al verdadero Perón, como el gallo o como la bataraza, que cacarean al recibir al sol.

El huevo pintado simboliza el pasarse a seineldín y rico por las pelotas.

Y la postura agazapada amenaza al gorilaje, advirtiendo, como diciendo "vengan, putos, que acá se la aguantamo a los tiro".

Yo creo que vi esa réplica que usted comenta, irrumpiendo en cacareo sostenido ante la caída de un lepidóptero de culo.

Un dia tendríamos que pedirla emprestada a esa réplica, y meternos con ella en el primer velorio que veamos. Y después, subir el video a iutú.

UAP, bailarín del monte.

Amperio dijo...

Yo conozco una salamortuoria en la calle Acevedo que tiene varias dependencias. Entremos allí preguntando por el velorio de Hernánrojas o bien abracemos a la viuda diciendo: "...El peronismo ha perdido a un cuadrazo, ché. No lloré, guacha, no sea hijadeputa que el compañero ya anida en el cielo peronista..."

UAP, diablosalamanquero.

Fla-q dijo...

Esas procesadora de toda poneditud es el estandarte sonoro de la ramafemenina del movimiento.
Resuenan los cristalinos ecos de su tintineante cacareo cual wichita falls en el poniente (poniente de huevos, no sé si se interpreta con claridad).
Que no decaiga esa ranura!
Ya le mandamos unos antropólogos a tomarle un molde de yeso a la güella pa'l museo de cencias sobrenaturales.

T O N T A M E N T E dijo...

Ponedora sabia, carcajea en un lado y pone el huevo en el otro.

Viene con lector de tarjeta de débito / crédito incorporado...

Que grande esta tarjeta!!!!

Uno de los ocho dijo...

Amperiote: Hecho. Yo filmo, usted se va a hablarle a la viuda. Despues hacemos cambiazo, usted filma y yo le tiro los pelos de la napia al defunto. Asegúrese de enfocar el cacareo.
UAP, pombero festivo.

Flacucú currucucú: "...a la huella a la huella, soutién te llama..."
UAP, abrazadora.

Diegobé: Esta acecta las de telefóinica, esas para teléfano público que tenian chip.
UAP, frozenballs.

Mich dijo...

las zapatillas al lado de la máquina es para dejar propina si te pinta?

gen71 dijo...

Y yo que pensaba que los huevos los ponía un conejo dilatado llamado Raúl.
Con razón siempre termino comiendo huevos de polenta.
Estoy a tiempo para hacer un pedido para las pascuas del 2009?

Un abrazo!

Godsize dijo...

Lo de racing, compañero, es directamente olmedesco, fontanarrosino, benyhillardino.
Y el que perón haya inventado la pascua me era desconocido, asíq ue voy a tener que repasar los libros adoctrinantes otra vez.

gen71 dijo...

Cabe destacar que los huevos de esta máquina son mas sanos que los de las gayinas del Dr. Cormillot.
Nada de tenerla encerrada en una caja con alimento y una lámpara.
La máquina los pone al aire libre y con evidente alegría.
(yo al conejo Raúl me lo imaginaba poniéndolos con cara de dolor, como quien caga un piano de cola)

Uno de los ocho dijo...

Mich: Son por si vienen los reyes.
Comportesé. De la manera que quiera, pero comportesé.

Gen71: Los huevos de polenta son un manjar en burundi, compañero, no desprecie.

Golsái: Le recomiendo el compendio de festejos y celebraciones litúrgicas peronistas, de Ernest Hey Guevar.

Gen71+1: No imagino otra manera de cagar un piano que no sea de cola.

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Our newspaper Guangzhou on January 17 report (reporter Zhou Fang bright) today, women's volleyball of bank of Tianjin Bohai Sea undertook arrival a hall after Guangzhou to train a class. According to the plan, tianjin women's volleyball will undertake ability tactics and force train, but because constant is easy the integral arrangement that faces training time is unreasonable, team must change a plan temporarily. To the state that appears outside field, tianjin team advocate handsome Wang Baoquan is not cared about, he says: "All difficulty want to prepare, enter finals to should make the preparation of this respect more, prepare a bit more adequately, look some weaklier to occurrence problem, not too care about. Not too care about..
According to the arrangement of constant experting face, tianjin women's volleyball should reach training house at 3 o'clock afternoon today. To assure to train time, designed arrangement is in Tianjin team to sent a car from scene star hotel 2:15 afternoon, the car Cheng of about half hour, tianjin team fully " go " a hour, final ability reachs destination. Was to appear first on trestle traffic accident, there is the place of Cheng of 5 minutes of cars only in distance training house subsequently, encounter cart in the way. The explanation that occupies the other side is, constant experting face wants to establish a billboard in villatic area, placing however on construction car however " municipal construction " brand. The course is harmonious, after 15 minutes, road eventually expedite, when Tianjin team reachs training house, already was 3:15.
Will train a house, tianjin women's volleyball discovered new difficult problem very quickly. Tianjin team respect discovered one piece concerns the training schedule of Yu Heng big women's volleyball and Tianjin women's volleyball. Although according to the platoon assist requirement, visiting team was arranged twice get used to field to train (match place) , but it is the 2nd actually in the match that day morning. Want to know, major campaign group is commonly below the case that there is the competition afternoon, morning do not undertake training. Such arrangement is apparent not reasonable.
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After training ends, wang Baoquan will " be interviewed " the task is pulled at a suit, his explanation says: "Before the contest, arrived finally, team member people or pressure is very great. You still interview quality of a psychology to had been compared, for instance I. Tell the truth, on one field match interviews Li Ying after the end, I with respect to the feel uncertain in the heart, be afraid of team member people mentally reappear is fluctuant. Be afraid of team member people mentally reappear is fluctuant..
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